Boy Meets Blog

I wrote this for my newspaper “The Anti-Everything Medical Journal” when I was 17. I’m bringing it back now since the holiday season is upon us.

“Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” is a horrible song, containing an awful message. You may be thinking, “No it’s not. It’s simply a cute holiday classic.” But let me assure you, it is not. A simple analysis of this nauseating tune reveals the true message of hate and oppression.

It begins with the line, “Rudolf the red nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.” That sounds harmless enough. We picture a cuddly little deer with a nose that makes him unique. However, the song then progresses into a blatant call to conformity and hate. The words continue, “All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolf join in any reindeer games.” Because he’s different from the others, he’s not included or accepted. Isn’t it considered bad manners to call people names? Yet the image of a group of tiny reindeer taunting another because he is different is burned into the minds of most Americans.

The song takes a turn for the worse when, “one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say, ‘Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide me sleigh tonight?’ Then all the reindeer loved him and they shouted out with glee, ‘Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, you’ll go down in history.’” What!? First he is an outcast, not good enough to even play in a simple reindeer game, and suddenly the normal reindeer appreciate Rudolph because Santa finally recognizes his amazing gift? That’s offensive. The other reindeer refused to be his friend because he was different, but the second they need his help they decide he’s cool.

This song must be eliminated! No longer can the youth of America be corrupted by subliminal messages of hate.

This song could have been much more meaningful if Rudolph would have said, “Listen up reindeers. I refuse to guide your sleigh tonight. I cannot be responsible for an un-chosen obligation. Now, it will be your fault the children of the world won’t have toys on Christmas! Bwaaaa hahahahaha!” But he didn’t say this. He let them take advantage of him and his gift they previously despised.

I guarantee that once that foggy night is over, it’s back to being a second-class citizen.

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