Merry Christmas from Gay Ol’ Utah! Never before has Utah made the Yuletide gay like it has since Friday. And what is the Christmas season without a grinch? Utah currently has several. My friend sent me this parody of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” on Monday and I think it’s brilliant, hilarious, and spot on. I did not write it! Writing credit goes to Brad Kramer, Jacob Baker, Cynthia Bailey Lee, and Sunny Ernst Smart. Enjoy!
Every Gay down in Zion
Liked Gay Marriage a lot…
But the Gov, Who lived just North of Downtown,
The Gov hated Gay Marriage! And all Gay Marriage Laws!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the cause.
It could be that his head was screwed on by the Right.
It could be, perhaps, that his primaries were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his fear,
He stood there on Friday,
watching marriages with a sneer
Staring down from his Mansion
with a sour, Govy frown
At the gays taking vows
below in his town.
For he knew every Gay down in Zion below
Was busy now, standing in line in the snow.
“And they’re handing out licenses!” he snarled with a sneer.
“The Gay Marriage Apocalypse! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his Gov fingers nervously tapping,
“I MUST find a way to keep homos from happying!”
For, tomorrow, he knew
All the Gay girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early.
They’d rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the boys!
Oh, the boys! Boys! Boys! Boys!
That’s one thing he hated!
The BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! BOYS!
Then all Whomans, young and old, of every orientation,
will start marrying and marrying without a hint of cessation
And they’ll marry, and they’ll marry.
And they’ll marry, marry, marry, marry!
They’ll marry and marry and still they won’t cease!
Oh committed legal gay relationships are something I can’t stand in the least!
They’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Gay down in Zion, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, like they’re dressed for the Emmys.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Gays would start FAMILIES!
They’d sing! And they’d sing!
AND they’d SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Gov thought of the Gay-Marriage-Sing
The more the Gov thought, “I must stop this whole thing!
“Why for fifty-three hours I’ve put up with it now!
I MUST stop Gay families from forming!
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” the Gov laughed in his throat.
“I’ll make a quick evangelist’s hat and a coat.
And he chuckled and clucked, what great Gov’y fun.
With this coat and this hat, I’ll look just like Pat Robertson!”
“All I need is a legally viable argument…”
The Gov looked around.
But since legally viable arguments
against gay marriage are scarce,
there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Gov…?
No! The Gov simply said,
“If I can’t find a legally viable argument, I’ll fake one instead!” “
He loaded some arguments
Of the 1950s sort
In a ramshakle brief
And he headed to court.
“This is stop number one,” The old Grinchy Gov hissed
And he summoned the judge, with a hamfisted fist.
Then he lobbed an emergency stay, a rather tight shove,
but if Shelby could do it, then so could the Gov.
He got stuck only once for a minute or two,
then the AG stuck his head out—that was his cue.
Down to where gay companions lined up all in a row
“These licenses,” He gov’ed, “are the first things to go!”
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most disparaging,
Around the whole room, and he took every marriaging!
As the Gov filed another motion with his legal cohort,
he heard a loud sound that brought him up short.
He turned around fast, and he saw two gay Whomans,
J Seth Anderson and Michael Adam Ferguson.
They stared at the Gov and said, “Governor, why?
Why are you taking our human dignity? Why?”
But do you know, that old Gov was so smart and so slick,
that he thought up what he thought was the truth and he thought it up quick.
“Why, my two legal citizens,” the self-appointed State Moralist lied
“marriage is a relationship that only serves one side.
So I’m taking it home to my Gov-friendly court, my dears.
I’ll fix it up there, then I’ll bring it back here.”
But his fib didn’t fool the Whomen,
even when he patted their heads and got them a drink,
making them dizzy with moral arguments that were so very weak.
Then he went to the microphone himself, the old liar,
and the last thing he took was their right to SIRE.
And the one speck of legal rights that he left in their house
was a crumb of protection much too small for a spouse.
And then he did the same thing
to the other gays’ marriages,
leaving a definition much too small
for their love to disparage.
It was quarter past dawn…
All the Gays, still a-sleep
All the Gays, still a-snooze
When he filed his brief,
Challenged their rights! Their joy! Their equality!
Their families! Their boutonnieres of unprecedented quality!
“Pooh-pooh to the gays!”
the Gov grinchily brayed.
“They’re finding out now their gay weddings are stayed!
They’re just waking up, I know just what they’ll do.
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
then the gays down in Zion will all cry, ‘Boo Hoo.’”
“That’s a noise,” grinned the Gov,
“That I simply must hear!”
So he paused. And the Gov put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow…
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! VERY
He stared down at Zion!
The Gov popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Gay down in Zion, the boys and the girls,
Were loving their families, not ruining the world!
He HADN’T stopped loving families from forming!
Somehow or other, they loved just the same!
And the Gov, with his gov-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?
It came without dresses, without suits from fine tailors.
It came without cakes, without fabulous regalias!.”
Maybe weddings, he thought, don’t come from a store.
Maybe weddings, he thought, mean a little bit more.
And what happened then?
Well, in Zion they say
That the Governor’s compassion
Grew three sizes that day!
And right then, filled with love, he quickly got up off his
Chair and he drove to the County Clerk’s office
And he brought back the joy! (And how’s this for an ending?!)
He, HE HIMSELF, The Gov!
performed a gay wedding!